Brother Abdul Jaleal Nasreddin, 13-year Damascus resident who hails from Texas and Colorado, posted this great comment filling us in on the men’s side of nuptuals, and will be guest blogging from time to time. He majored in dry wit and minored in cynicism, so enjoy!
AJ Nasreddin
When the men get together, their primary reason is to set the dowry price. But first the father of the bride has to do a “check out” of the prospective groom. They ask about his education, his job – most importantly if the guy can keep his daughter up to the standard of living she’s used to, or will the in-laws have to invest in the guy. Of course a flat is important. If the guy doesn’t have a flat, he ought not be talking about marriage. In my experience, a US passport is as good as a flat in the city.
The next job is to find out just enough about the guy in order to ask around about him. The bride’s brothers and uncles will soon hit the streets to find out what people are saying about the groom-wannabe. If he checks out, things will move along smoothly.
The dowry is usually set at $2000 as the first installment. People will say this is normal and says that this girl is as good as any other girl. To ask for more would be snobbish. This is the amount everyone will mention so as to say “Yes, we are like anyone else.” The “extras” are not always mentioned. For example, installment number two might be several thousand dollars more, even several tens of thousands of dollars more. Then the gold is counted separate – and that can easily reach $5000 plus. Then the bride needs a completely new wardrobe for some odd reason which can reach several more thousands of dollars. Then there’s the cost of the wedding party which again can run a few thousand dollars. [Najiyah comments that in Syria the bride's family hosts and pays for the engagement party and the groom's family hosts and pays for the wedding party.] Before I forget, refurbishing the flat in a complete make over is also expected and – you guessed it – can cost several thousand dollars. If the guy has any money left over, the honeymoon ought to be in Malaysia. Did I mention the guy needs to bring little gifts of gold every time he visits – a little pair of earrings, a little chain bracelet? That can run a $100 or more a visit! Now you can understand why Syrian men try to marry abroad if they have the chance – it’s a lot cheaper!
If somewhere along the line the bride’s family doesn’t like the guy, they will increase their demands on the different “extras” until the girl becomes too expensive – the sort of “nice” way to say “get lost.” On the other hand, if the guy decides he doesn’t like the girl, he’ll refuse to bring gifts or pay for “extras” – kinda like saying “We can have a no frills, no thrills marriage.” No self respecting girl would put up with such nonsense!
This is of course the styreotypical Damascus wedding. Some people get hitched with less excitement and less expense. Most of the [men's] wedding parties that I have been to closely resemble the wakes I’ve been to – the death of freedom they say. Sometimes wishing for something is better than having it.
I say it is much easier to marry in America. Kitab al Kitaab at the masjid, lunch at a restaurant, straight to the honeymoon. God help me to prepare for what is going to happen when my children marry. I don’t play cultural cr*p, sorry to say. My daughters don’t know how to serve tea appropriately or hand out kleenex in the right ways. But they cover correctly and have some of the manners that seem to be lost in the ME, at least in Jordan. Allah yahdina.
AsSalaamu Alaikum, Um Omar,
Amen, Sista!!!!
The very worst thing about living here is the fakey standards they have for everything, while the Islamic heart of their interactions is often cold and dead. You have to wear *these* clothes, sit *this* way, serve in *this* order, etc. It is just a fake way to impose class distinctions and give them ways to feel superior to others. Not to mention that it gives them fodder for their frequent gossip sessions.
“I am eating my sister’s flesh, but hey, I serve better juice than she does AND I have a nicer serving tray, and that’s what REALLY matters, after all.”
URGH!!!!!!!!!!
Both of you have a point. However, rituals can be nice if there is a real point behind them all. The point of being “civilized” is sometimes lost in America and wherenot because we take a laid back attitude to life. Life filled with symbolism through word and action makes a richer life. The tea or coffee ritual can convey meaning beyond the simple actions, and the reactions can contain subtle but clear messages as well. Being outside the culture and understanding of the symbolism can make life difficult, but the reaction to it all should not be disdain.
I lost a marriage opportunity because I stupidly put down my coffee cup before I had finished – signaling my dislike of the woman, even though I was actually quite fond of her. Another mistake was wearing sandals when seeing a girl. Even though I was wearing Birkenstocks – clearly pricy, upper end of the market, yuppie footwear – to the Syrian girl they were simply sandals and therefore backward, peasant footwear. And there was no way she was going to consider a backward, peasant sort of guy, no matter how expensive the sandals were.
Islam contains a lot of symbolism in words and actions as well. Someone with symbolism permeating their culture is more aware of the symbolism in their religion. Occasionally I am struck by the plainness of something that I considered in the realm of sacredness just because I come from a culture where religion is detached from mundane routines. For example, the Islamic greeting, “Salaamu-‘alaykum,” often translated as “Peace upon you,” has a more mundane meaning. “Salaam” is derived from the root “salima” which has the idea of being safe. “Salaam,” though translated most often as “peace,” is used by Arabs more often as “safety.” So, someone who does not return your greeting is subtly saying that he or she does not feel safe, or the situation is not safe, or he or she intends to make problems for you. It is not merely bad manners.
Presently, the focus may be on materialistic matters – as in the kind of tray used or if the coffee cups are of fine, gold-lined porcelain – but this merely shows ignorance and should be considered as such. To understand the cultural symbolism of the rituals is where true appreciation and joy spring from. Finding those rare individuals who are truly civilized these days is also a joy.